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Time Flies When You’re Watching Porn

Time Flies When You’re Watching Porn

I try to stay on top of things, but I can’t tell you how surprised I was this week when I looked at a calendar for the first time in I don’t know how long and I saw that we’re almost all the way through August. August! Can…

‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch

‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch

As the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians once again threatens to intensify, the international community has called on both sides to come together and engage in peace talks. On Wednesday, leaders from both sides will meet face-to-face in Jerusalem for the first time in five years, to…

HorseConnect, The Social Network For Horses, Bought For $1 Billion By Marissa Mayer

HorseConnect, The Social Network For Horses, Bought For $1 Billion By Marissa Mayer

In an exciting development for what many tech insiders are calling the hottest startup in Silicon Valley, HorseConnect, the social network exclusively for horses, has been acquired for approximately $1 billion, sources confirmed Thursday. “When we heard of a website that allows horses to create personal profiles and…

Simon Cowell Admits To Life-Long Affair With Himself

Simon Cowell Admits To Life-Long Affair With Himself

Shamed X-Factor chief Simon Cowell was left facing difficult questions today after details of his sordid affair with…

Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting

Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting

Citing a whirlwind month and a half in which he leaked classified details of a massive government surveillance…

UK Happiness Rating Downgraded By Moody’s

UK Happiness Rating Downgraded By Moody’s

In a shock announcement, the measure of the nation’s happiness, the Wellbeing Index, has been downgraded by the…

Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope’s Tolerant Remarks

Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope’s Tolerant Remarks

Following Pope Francis’ tolerant remarks Sunday about homosexuals and the Catholic Church, Vatican officials reportedly went into crisis…

Nelson Mandela ‘Determined To Complete Bucket List’

Nelson Mandela ‘Determined To Complete Bucket List’

While the world has feared that South Africa’s revered former president, Nelson Mandela, may not have long to…

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